Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Combat a ridiculous conversation with an equally ridiculous conversation

So...I had the remarkable opportunity to run into an old colleague of mine from another lifetime the other day, and since I was sitting alone in the Starbucks and he had come alone to the Starbucks, we decided to sit together and exchange pleasantries. As it turns out, his life has, as of late, been the barrel of good laughs that mine has been.

You see, Lucas' wife has recently left him. He tells me this and what else can I say except, "What happened Lucas?" and of course, I am hesitant because I'm not really sure that he wants to tell me nor am I certain that I want to hear. But, since he is sitting in the arm chair across from me gazing at me with his crystal clear blue eyes, all that I can do is ask this, take a deep breath, and try to enjoy the ride.

The conversation went like this.

She said I was addicted to pornography.

And you were not?

No, I was.


She said I ignored her and I drank all of the time, and chose beer over her.

Did you?


She said that I spent too much money on illicit entertainment of all sorts while she scrimped and saved and compared prices all over town so that we could live comfortably.

Was that true?

To some extent. I mean not the part about her, but yes I spent my fair share of money on things.

I see.

I don't know why she left me.

Yeah. It's a mystery.

Because really it was all her fault that I did all of those things.

She made you do them, huh?


What did she do to drive you to such lengths? Did she have a boyfriend? Did she herself have a drinking problem? Did she refuse to spend time with you? Did she ignore and neglect you?

She wrote a song about another guy. She said it was because I never gave her any attention, and she was lonely and sad and wanted companionship. Can you imagine?

No. Not at all. She sounds like a completely unreasonable person, Lucas. You were right to spend all of your time watching porn and drinking, and gambling and other wise entertaining yourself. I mean what kind of an unreasonable bitch was she? To expect that you might spend some time with her? Take an interest in her interests? It sounds to me like you are better off. You can find a nice girl who will want her entire life to revolve around you and not expect a single thing in return. She's out there waiting for you, I just know it. And she's gorgeous and talented and likely very sweet.

You really think so Laurie?

I do.



  1. where did this dude come from? actually, i don't want to know. there are too many of them out there. how did you not just kick him in the face?

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  3. Gene Poz recommended your blog on Philadelphia Writers' Group.

    This is some hilarious stuff. Bravo! And this guy in the story, what a Total Loser!!


  4. You are very brave. Since Da-da lost most of his shields and is running on 50% life support with extensive breaches to the hull and so easily denigrates into some kind of tragic Trekkie run-on-sentenceness, he is loathe to open such a dangerous channel as, "What happened, XXXX?" Must've been the blue eyes. Some advice: DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT. There's safety in the steam of your coffee, safe so safe...